Dearest Love...
<< 2004-04-04 at 3:56 p.m. >>
Im sitting in my room, next to the open window quietly listening to the rain. I can't help but think of you, anymore you're where my thoughts turn when Im alone. I wonder if we'll ever really be together, or if Im just fooling myself with that dream. Im taking each day as it comes, trying not to think too far ahead down the road.
Sometimes it's rather difficult when my arms itch to hold you, my fingers to touch you. Sometimes, when you tell me you don't know why I put up with you, I have to laugh to myself because I'm not sure I could really do anything but love you. I feel empty without you, a feeling I can't quite comprehend.
There is a security in loving you as I do, I have, for the first time in a long time, complete faith. Faith in life, faith in love, faith that while its not perfect, this is pretty damn good. Sometimes I wonder how you cannot know how much you mean to me.
There are times I admit I get jealous, but it has nothing to do with you, my anger is short lived and more directed at myself with you for an easy target. I know I haven't quite been myself, but there is this transition happening around me and Im rather scared.
Its funny to admit Im scared to be happy, scared to go forward. But I am, and accepting this fear, is the first step to accepting me don't you think? And when I can accept me, then I'll be able to love you as completely as you deserve. That's really what keeps me going on days Id rather give up. The thought of you.
I strive to be more for you, not because you ask me to, or condition the love you give me on it, but because I want to be the kind of person you think I am, the kind of person you so deserve.
Life is often harsh and unfair, but I wake every morning knowing I have someone to face it with. Someone who will be in my corner no matter what I do, because for once, I need someone as much as they need me and I can admit it. I can admit, with you at least, that Im human, a work in progress.
Im probably talking complete crap, but I just had to write this down.
I love you, never forget that. No matter time or distance, love conquers all.
-Abby